“I PUT my partner through hell, and I don’t ever want to be that person again.” – Hear James’ story in his own words in our short video.
These are the words of James, a man in his 30s currently receiving support from Cranstoun – one of the specialist behaviour change providers working alongside Essex Police and the Southend, Essex & Thurrock Domestic Abuse Board (SETDAB).
James has chosen to share his experience as part of the next phase of the Reflect campaign, launched last week with the message: “Sorry doesn’t cut it – Reflect on your abusive behaviour.”
Shifting the focus to behaviour change
This phase of the campaign places the spotlight on those using abusive behaviours and the potential for meaningful change. Many perpetrators do not recognise the harm caused by their actions – particularly when these behaviours come through jealousy, manipulation, intimidation, or patterns of control.
Reflect aims to show that early intervention works, and that support is available for anyone willing to take responsibility and change. Through the Essex Compass network, organisations like Cranstoun – drawing on more than 50 years of experience – help adults and young people understand and address the root causes of their behaviour.
James spoke about his past, how he came to work with Cranstoun, and what he would say to others who see themselves in his story.
“I could excuse anything I did”
Over two decades, the same cycle played out in several of James’s relationships: things became difficult, arguments escalated, and his behaviour turned controlling and sometimes violent.
“I used to justify everything,” he said.
“If I’d had a bad day at work, that made it okay to stay out and not come home. When my partner tried to contact me, that justified an argument. If things got physical and I slapped her, I’d tell myself at least it wasn’t a closed fist.”
That escalation eventually led to James being arrested, imprisoned, and offered the opportunity to work with Cranstoun as part of his sentence.
“It’s been nearly six months since I started the programme, and it has made a huge difference.”
Recognising the truth
James says the turning point came when he realised that his actions were not hidden from anyone – not the police, not professionals, and not his own children.
“I’d done other courses before but gave them lip service. I kept reoffending. This time, social services had to speak to my children, and I couldn’t hide from the fact that they saw what I’d done.
“It was awful, but I’m glad they were honest about it, because once I admitted it to them and to myself, things finally started to change.”
He credits his Violence Prevention Practitioner (VPP), group sessions, and the clear impact his actions had on his children as driving forces behind his commitment to change.
‘Preventing offending before it starts’
Cranstoun are just one of the services available to both perpetrators and victims of domestic abuse through Essex Compass, the county’s single point of access for support in this area.
Detective Superintendent Dan Morrissey, Essex Police lead for domestic abuse and stalking, said: “Our work will always mean we are victim-centred and that they are considered in every step of our investigations – but we also need to focus on preventing offending before it starts, and behaviour change interventions like this work.
“James is a clear example of the importance of tackling abusive behaviours with the perpetrators themselves.
“Abuse doesn’t always take the forms that some people assume, and it doesn’t always start how some imagine. For example, fears and insecurities might manifest as checking a partner’s phone, which grows into controlling who they contact, and then whether they can contact anyone at all.
“We recognise it take courage for anyone to reflect on their behaviour and engage with these services, so please know that if you do you will be supported and it will make a difference.
Det Supt Morrissey continued: “We are always assessing the most effective way we can tackle domestic abuse in Essex. Where perpetrators won’t engage positively with support services, we will take proactive action to ensure we know where they are, what they are doing and who they are in contact with.
“We do that using proactive court orders to protect vulnerable victims, we do that through Clare’s Law disclosure where we are concerned someone needs to know about their partner’s past offending, and through intelligence gathering form our neighbourhood officers.
